


The Push and Pull of You

by pinkbyproxy



Category: jenlisa - Fandom
Genre: ChaeSoo, F/F, blackpink - Freeform, jenlisa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:48:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23719249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkbyproxy/pseuds/pinkbyproxy
Summary: Lisa flies to Singapore on a layover on the way back to Seoul to have a catch up with old friends.And perhaps, a much needed catch up with that one person who's never left her mind the past few years, despite trying hard to.NOTE: Slightly long reads ahead. Please bear with me.This is currently being simultaneously updated over at Ao3, AFF and Wattpad under the username PINKBYPROXY
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa, Kim Jisoo/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé
Comments: 3
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

The air that greeted me was cold but artificial – which kind of set the tone for everything I’ve been seeing since I landed in sunny Singapore 15 minutes ago. Their world-class airport is clean, impressive and efficient, if not even extremely high tech, and tells all of the passengers of what to expect throughout the small island, maybe. But while everything is indeed remarkable, my mind is not allowing me to wander.

If only it weren’t for this small boulder in the pit of my stomach that started growing since I caught sight of the island’s neat and impressive structures visible from the window seat while my plane was hovering around the air minutes ago, then maybe I would feel excited for Singapore. But right now, I’m a small ball of anxiety and excitement.

My phone vibrates. I adjust my leather sling bag and fish my phone out of my right pocket, while still walking on the long stretch of brown carpeted area of Changi Airport. Everything feels international here indeed, but there are obvious choices that still make it distinctly Asian – for example, Newark’s all about long stretches of marble floors but it felt a lot more western neutral. Changi’s interiors still make me feel foreign, though not entirely not at home. I guess that’s what airports are supposed to do.

Your name pops up on my screen. I feel a small easy smile spread across my face, somehow trying to ease the anxiety that’s making itself at home in my stomach.

**Lisa, I’m just running a little late. The immigration should be a breeze, so you should be out soon. You’re not going to be waiting for luggage, are you?**

I look a little bit at your name, my thumb poised at the keyboard to reply.

**: I just landed, take your time. My luggage goes straight to my connecting flight. Don’t worry about it.**

**Okay, you’ll be out of the airport in about 15 minutes, then. Gosh. I’m sorry.**

**: I still need to go through immigration, don’t worry. Take your time.**

**Yeah, but that’s just 5, 10 minutes tops. I told you they’re efficient.**

**There’s a new mall called Jewel that connects to the airport, they have this indoor falls there that most people find impressive. You might want to see it to kill time. I can meet you there?**

Am I most people? I don’t particularly find indoor falls impressive, but I kind of balk a little at how easily I got categorized as generic.

I chuckled bitterly at myself. Yeah, shut up Lisa. You’re not special.

I smile at the suggestion anyway.

**: Yeah, I can see you there. If there’s an Apple Store there I’ll probably go straight to it. Meet you there?**

**Some things don’t change. You’re still an Apple fangirl, lol**

**See you.**

**: See you.**

I nervously flip my phone in my hand and rush a little towards immigration, feeling a distinct hop in my steps.

\--

You’re right, immigration was a breeze. I easily locate the signs pointing towards “Jewel” and navigate towards the area. I pause a little over at the Duty-Free cosmetics and wine area and wondered if I should get you something before I go out, then again I’m not really sure what’s you’re into nowadays. I shrug it off and start going to the mall you mentioned.

Jewel is as impressive as they come, but I take only 10 seconds and leave the indoor falls everyone raved about. I’ve read about it before but these aren’t things that capture me nowadays. I still like the idea of natural things.

I guess I really am not ‘most people’ then.

I head towards the second floor and locate the Apple Store. I look around a little bit in the area and it’s crowded with people killing time before their flight, with their luggage beside them while looking at the new phones. Made me feel thankful I didn’t have to take out my luggage myself. I deftly navigated around the crowd and my eyes looked for a few pieces, before finally finding the section that I need, located on the other side of the area. I start walking towards that section when a pair of arms hug me from behind, an excited squeal heard through my left ear.

“Lisa!” The excited voice perked me.

My defences kind of left me in a bit of shock, so I wasn’t immediately able to process these things. You have to forgive me, I lived in New York for 6 months. In New York, someone hugging you could also be someone either mugging you or molesting you, you’ll never know. But realising I’m in an Apple Store in one of the safest cities in the world, it took me a good 5 seconds to calm myself down and slowly look at the mysterious hugger, finding a set of cat eyes almost dissolving into the wide excited smile occupying your whole face.

It took me a beat to kind of take this in, before getting assaulted by another warm hug. Your body moulded well into my own as you thrust yourself towards my neck, and while I was awkwardly bent from the surprise back hug you gave me earlier, you managed to fit yourself in every space to find my frame. I tentatively wrap my right hand around your waist to support you. I knew these were those hugs that are meant to be a quick welcome and I was bracing myself to let your lithe body go, but you seemed to have hugged tighter and warmer and lingered into my embrace. So, like perhaps anyone whose defences finally broke down, I finally melt into your wrap and allow my head to rest on your shoulders and bask in your affection.

“Someone missed me,” I utter into your freshly shampooed hair. I suddenly felt a little conscious that I probably smell of an 18-hour flight and cursed myself for not even bringing a travel-size perfume in my bag, but your tightening hug doesn’t seem to care. I feel a playful slap hit my back before you let go of me and grab both of my cheeks and stared at me with that usual grin of yours.

“Cocky,” You roll your eyes.

It was only now that I was able to take a good look at your face, understanding why I didn’t recognize you earlier in the first place: Wow, you got gorgeous, Ruby Jane. Is this what 2 or so years of living in Singapore does to you?

I see your cheeks blush and realize that I apparently uttered those thoughts out loud.

“Shut up, Lisa. You’re just jet-lagged.”

“No, seriously, Jennie, you look more beautiful now.” We start walking out of the store and towards the mall entrance. I’m starting to feel the heat of Singapore on my skin. It’s not an unwelcome feeling, but just…something new.

“Are you saying I wasn’t beautiful before?”

“I said MORE beautiful,” I look at you, checking you out from head to toe. You’re wearing a simple white oversized long-sleeved cotton shirt with sleeves folded neatly under your elbow and the hem tucked under a pair of light blue denim shorts, with a slouchy pair of brown boots. Your dark brown hair’s all free and wavy, a huge departure from the straight prim jet-black hair you’ve had since our University days. Your make up style has changed as well, highlighting all the best parts of your face.

I’m not lying. There’s something about you that changed – better. Like a Jennie 2.0. I mean, I’ve seen your face in some of the updates you post online, but wow, seeing you in person, you’re just…different. Better different. Overwhelmingly different.

You roll your eyes and try to fiddle with your phone, but there’s an obvious shy grin on your face. We leave the store and I follow you as you start walking towards the exit.

“I am booking a car to go to this place so you can have a little bit of food before our late lunch later at 2 pm. Jisoo has set up a reservation for us so she said to take our time.”

Ah. I almost forgot that we’re supposed to be meeting old friends at 2 pm. Your face distracted me from everything at the moment.

“How far is the brunch place from the late lunch place?” I worriedly ask while we step outside of the mall entrance, where a few people were milling about, waiting for their own car pickups. Not that I don’t trust your navigation judgments but everywhere in New York is traffic; it’s already 11:40 am so I’m not sure we have enough time to even go around.

“It’s just 10 minutes, don’t worry. Everything here is quite close so it’s not exactly that bad.” You glance at your phone again and then softly grab my arm. “Can you look for a plate number starting with SLS? The app says the car’s already here.”

I’m a bit taken aback by how quickly the car arrived. Must be a breeze living in the most efficient place in the world, indeed. I try to scan a few plate numbers. “What’s the car type?”

“Never mind, found it!” You flash me that gummy smile again and you grab my wrist effortlessly, guiding me to the car. I shake my head, smiling. You go around the other side of the car and get in from there; I slide into the other side of the backseat.

As soon as we’ve settled in I let you discuss things with the driver while I catch my breath. Now that we’re in an enclosed space, your scent easily takes up the backseat and I welcome the mild invasion. Traces of your shampoo, Chanel and your natural scent propel me into nostalgia.

I have missed you.

You twist yourself in your seat to face me, another gummy smile in your lit-up face. I don’t know if it’s the travel taking its toll on me or the overwhelming feeling of experiencing you again, so I take a deep sigh and pull a small grin, knowing I couldn’t match your energy. I think you knew. Your face slowly made way into a small, understanding smile; your eyes softening a bit on its gaze. You gently reach for my hair and I feel myself unconsciously close my eyes for a few seconds, the warmth of your hand so close to my face starting to feel familiar.

I see you gulp before commenting, “Your hair has changed. It’s more wavy now. I like it.”

I shrug, the tired smile not leaving my lips. From since landing here and meeting you to being this close and staring at your face, it hasn’t stopped making me feel overwhelmed, but I am not sure I want the feeling to go.

“I’m sorry I haven’t asked, but how was your flight?” You pulled your hand back and I almost wanted to protest – no, I think I actually did whimper a small protest – but I don’t think you heard.

“It’s okay, It’s as long as expected.”

“Did you get some rest at all?”

“I did. I didn’t even have to take some wine, I just went straight to dozing off. I didn’t get much sleep before the flight and Newark’s a bit noisy.”

“Oh, right. You did fly straight from New York, didn’t you? I thought you may have had other layovers.”

“No, just this. I wanted to see you guys before I go back to Seoul tonight.”

“I’m sorry I can’t tour you around too much. I mean technically I can since the CBD area is just 15 minutes from the airport and I’m sure you’d want to see the Marina Bay Sands and the Merlion. But you did say on Katalk that you don’t really want to walk around.”

I purse my lips a bit, tentative with my next answer. “I’m fine. I can visit Singapore separately in the future. I really just want to have a catch up with the folks here. And you.”

Your face brightens a bit and for a moment, I wish my layover wasn’t just 8 hours. I wish I could have just booked the whole weekend, but I need to be in Seoul Monday morning and there were a few things I needed to arrange before that. I wish work wasn’t a bitch.

“Thank you for picking me up, by the way. You didn’t have to.”

You just shrug, but your warm look lingers. We both look outside our windows for a moment, not sure where to pick up, I suppose. I gauge if there’s a feeling of tension, but I think we’re just trying to gauge each other at the moment.

“Singapore’s pretty impressive,” I start another conversation as I look at the line of flowers parading the middle part of an expressway. I remember seeing Singapore years ago, but probably not as vivid as my memories serve me. I just remember purely impressive buildings, the constant innovation. I don’t remember long stretches of greens and shorter, older buildings. “Really hot out, though.”

“I’m sure you wanted to peel off your skin the moment you got here due to the heat.”

I look at the long-sleeved oxford shirt I’ve inadvertently scrunched up to my elbows when I landed, trying to let in as much air to my body as possible. Beside my hand that’s resting on the leather seat of the car, your arm is sprawled lazily, and I see the distinct difference of my pale limbs that have known only Seoul and recently, New York’s climates, while yours have that distinct tan from living 2+ years in this small paradise.

Your skin still has that creamy delicious look to it as I remember from years ago, but has now been carefully loved by Singapore’s weather. I get a feeling of a little jealousy wondering how you spent your weekends here, perhaps maybe lounged on the beach with a book in your hand and a skimpy swimsuit in tow, or maybe Sundays going around the food markets in a soft summer dress that I’m sure would fit you perfectly. I longingly look at those long fingers of yours and remember how many times I have intertwined my own with them in the past, but I stop myself thinking it’s impolite: there are just so many things you can’t easily go back to like that.

The car goes around and you sit up in anticipation; your eyes roaming around. I do the same and realise that the neighbourhood looks different from what I expected: it has rows and rows of old shop houses but the bars and restaurants that occupied the lower spaces are relatively new and slightly out of place. One area has an old Chinese massage healing shop, but beside it is a Pilates gym. The white European folks mingling with the old locals. The old and the new juxtaposed.

I feel my eyes widen with interest as I scope the new place. The car slows down to a halt in one of the smaller alleys.

“We’re here!” You announce, getting off the car after thanking the driver. I carefully look at my side of the road to check for incoming cars before I open my door to alight and see you waiting for me at the curb. I smile a little to myself: it’s the small things that are tickling me today.

“What is it that you’re showing me today, Jennie?” I scan the shop with mild anticipation: it’s a relatively old eating place that looks a bit packed. We start heading inside and the place greets me with various smells I couldn’t place; something that kind of smells a bit like…curry? Or creamy chilli. The walls are littered with various newspaper clippings written in both Chinese and English, assuming news about how popular the place is. There’s a photo of a good looking guy with what looks like maybe the owner of the place. Another one with a white guy…wait, is that Gordon Ramsay? This shop must be that famous then.

“Well, you said you wanted to eat stuff that is distinctly Singaporean, so I’m getting you Laksa.”

“Laksa,” I repeat.

“Yeah. This is one of the best on the island.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll try that I guess.”

“You sound hesitant.”

“Well, I’ve tried Laksa back in Seoul. I can’t remember it being that good.”

“Well, you haven’t tried THIS one, and I’m gonna tell you right now, it’s at least worth a rematch.”

I laugh at your term. You get to the counter and order us two bowls and a few other things, while I wait beside you. I quickly grab some cash and shove it to your hand just before you tried looking for your wallet.

“It’s on me, please. Please?” I repeat when your eyes looked like they were just about to argue. You roll your eyes and take my $50 and give it to the cashier. After getting the change, you motion to an empty table that just got cleaned up and we settle on the plastic seats.

A guy comes up to bring bottled water and coke, and you open up the soda and pour it into a glass in one swift motion. You then slide it to my hand.

“Drink a bit. You’re going to need a little sugar boost. You’ll thank me later.”

I smile at your thoughtfulness and take a small sip. You proceed to open the bottled water and pour some into the glass, then offer it to me as well. I chuckle at how you’ve been trying to get me to perk up, but I shake my head at the offer. Later, I mouthed.

“So. Tell me about New York,” You begin.

I nod a little, composing things in my head.

“Well, it’s nothing that interesting. I mean, the firm I work for made me go to the client site for about a few months to oversee the analytics part of the project I’m working on. It kind of made sense to fly over to New York till the whole thing was launched. It was supposed to be just less than 3 months but we kind of took on another project as well while I was there, so it got stretched to a few more months.”

My job hasn’t really changed much since two years ago, so it wasn’t really a very huge catch-up. You nod a little, your cat eyes looking at me intently.

“Who’s your biggest competitor now?”

I pause a little at the question. I’ve never usually been asked that before.

“I don’t know.” I slowly answer. “I’m not prepared for this question. I don’t know, to be honest.”

“Well, isn’t that usually the benchmark? Like who we can we compare to in terms of growth.”

The guy returns with two laksa bowls and saves me more response time. I look at the creamy bowl and see bits of the chilli and try not to wince. I’m sure it will be good. Both you and I pick up our soup spoons and play a little with the noodles. You start slowly eating through your bowl while I still play around with the soup a bit.

“I’m thinking about it, and…I don’t know. I mean, it’s good to kind of have a benchmark, yes, but wouldn’t it kind of take you away from your own goals? It might kind of distract you trying to see what your competition is doing instead of focusing on the development you have.”

“But how are you going to find out about new things that could help you grow?”

“That’s where the research and development comes in. It doesn’t have to be competitor data. It can be data from peers.”

“Wow. That’s a relatively deep life lesson there, Lisa.”

We both laugh a little. You motion towards my own bowl that I haven’t touched.

“I really should stop making you talk. Try it, please.”

I nod and take a bit of taste. What explodes in my tongue is an array of Asian flavours: coconut milk, a little but perfectly blended chilli, bits of seafood and other flavourful pieces. The noodles seem to be there as support to the strong taste and complements the whole bowl pretty well.

“Oh, this is fantastic,” I think I moan a little, but I’m far from embarrassed. Your face beams at the recognition. “This definitely makes my other laksa pale in comparison.”

“Yeah, I think other countries kind of toss in other much more local blends to appeal to the general public, that’s why that laksa in Seoul probably didn’t taste that authentic.”

Your eyes suddenly widen. I look at you with slight worry.

“What.”

You point towards my lips, with a slight giggle. I automatically touch my lips. You shake your head and grab a tissue, then softly dab just below my lip.

I am taken aback. I feel like we’ve kind of been treading on things carefully since we met today and this…sudden affection feels like the next step to being back to before. And like before, of course, I default to pulling off jokes to cover my emotions.

“Careful, Jennie. I’m starting to think this is a date.”

I grin slyly, or at least what I think is a semblance of it. To be honest my heart is still currently stuck on running at 60kms per hour thinking about how you caringly moved your hand to clean my lips with a napkin. Any contact you do just jumps my heart right now.

“God, years of not seeing each other and you still can’t help but flirt,” You roll your eyes, laughing. “It’s faster if I clean it up myself. The sooner I get it out, the faster you can appreciate the food I got you.”

I raise my eyebrow, implying that you are deflecting. I then shake my head and chuckle. “Like I said, this is fantastic. This store definitely does not shy away from the local taste. I love this. Thank you, Jennie.”

You proudly smile at your decision and we continue to eat through the remaining bowl of Laksa.


	2. Part 2: Changes can change you, too

I hold the door open for you while you look around the area. I let you walk ahead, being my tour guide of the day.

“Where’s next?” I ask. You look at me excitedly and ask, “What’s your take on gelato?”

“I’m not against it, sure.”

“That’s not the enthusiasm I’m looking for, Lisa.”

“Well, I mean, I don’t mind anything. As long as I’m with you.”

You look at me again with those eyes and I stop myself from asking what exactly that expression means, but you start to walk and guide me through the alley and outside to the shops lined up on the main road. A few shops down and you lead me to a store that looks a little bit subdued outside but obviously a little out of place in an old area, with the interior kind of reminiscent of the soft hipster shops in Portland or Los Angeles. Or maybe it IS one of those shops from Portland or Los Angeles that found its way to Singapore, I don’t know.

We look around at the counter and the options look increasingly hipster: Strawberry basil, Chrysanthemum, Sesame. My excitement dies down a bit but yours is still evident, with your eyes giddily scanning the options.

“What are you having?” You look at me with wide eyes. My eyes narrow down on a few options and motion to one that’s named Sea Salt Hojicha. “I’ll get that sea salt thing.”

You nod and order at the cashier. They start preparing two cups and for a moment I feel like I made the wrong choice: I definitely thought it was pertaining to this creamy gelato earlier until they scooped a mud-coloured gelato unto my cup. And I only know it’s my cup because the other cup contained a much more cheery looking yellow, which doesn’t look at all like a possible Sea Salt Hojicha.

I shove a few bills to your hand which you again take protests to, but I win. You take both of our gelatos, command me with those cat eyes, and, a little mesmerized, I follow you as you walk towards the standing counters near the windows. I settle to your right where you have put the yellow gelato to your end and the mud-looking gelato to my side, further confirming that a) I make the weirdest sugar choices and b) gelatos still aren’t exactly on the top of my sugar list. There are other better choices, to be honest.

I pick up my cup gingerly, but my gelato choice isn’t the one that’s capturing my attention right now, it’s the way you excitedly picked up yours. I don’t think I know anyone who’s ever been so excited about gelato, but then again I’m not sure what flavour you ordered. I look outside and I can see multiple old buildings sandwiched in between some other new establishments. I want to say it’s interesting, but I see you at the corner of my eye scooping up on your cup and I follow your cue. I look warily at my cup and wondered if it’s not too late to get a new flavour.

I was just about to put in the scoop in my mouth when I see you extending your spoon to me. I lower down my spoonful, wondering exactly what to do with that. You look at me like I’m stupid and hit my own spoon like a toast before eating your scoop. I chuckle and shove the Sea Salt Hojicha in my mouth and try to discern the flavour.

My face must have not looked too great as you graciously offered your gelato to me.

“Mine’s just mango. Do you want to try mine?”

I shake my head. “I’m good. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what this is.”

You help yourself to a helping of mine, not even bothering to ask. I’m starting to feel unsettled with the way you comfortably move into my space effortlessly like that. It’s not bad, just…takes some getting used to again.

Your face goes into this thoughtful mode and I take delight in figuring out if you probably also thought I fucked up with my choice.

“It tastes like…seaweed.”

I laugh. “Yeah, it’s not exactly the best idea for an ice cream, but it’s named sea salt so I imagine it should be…sea-ish. I don’t know.”

“Yeah, I don’t even know what hojicha is. Do you want to swap? Mine’s pretty safe.”

“I’m alright. I think I can go through this.”

You shrug your shoulders and try to go through your own gelato with more interest than I do. I stare at you again, before I go through my own desert.

“What’s that?” You ask.

“What?”

“That look.”

I laugh a little. I consider if I should tell the truth.

I twirl my spoon in my ugly tasting gelato. Might as well, I already made one weird choice today. Another one can’t hurt.

“I still can’t get over how beautiful you’ve gotten,” I tell you, as I look at your lips. I can’t bear to look you in the eye when you shoot me a questioning look. The mango gelato has left a small yellow sheen on your lower lip.

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I shrug. “You just look really different, is all. I can’t get over it.”

You blush and try to focus on your gelato. I look at everywhere else except your eyes because I’m kind of a bit embarrassed as well with my boldness. I spot my watch. It’s 1:15 pm.

“Hey, so, how much time do we have? I’m not sure if we should start booking the cab as I’m just worried about getting stuck in traffic for the 2 pm appointment.” I ask lightly.

You chuckle, but I can see your eyes take a bit of offense. “For someone who keeps telling me I’ve gotten beautiful, I’m starting to get offended that you want to cut this ‘date’ short.” You playfully twist the scooper in your tongue and let it linger in your lip. I had to shake off my trance a bit.

“Oh if I can cancel the 2 pm – no, my flight – just to let this date go on longer, I would love to,” I tell her, chuckling into the small gelato spoon I wedged in between my teeth. “I’m just worried about getting late.”

“You have to trust me a little bit,” You tell me while you play with your gelato. “if I say everything here is just 10 minutes away. We have,” You look at your watch for a beat, “about 30 more minutes. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

“I trust you. Just…having stayed in New York, you have to forgive me. Everywhere is traffic there.”

You shrug and shove another scoop into your mouth. I scoop through my own, trying to think of the next few questions to ask.

“So, how have you been? Are you still with the same bank that you started with before?”

You shake your head lightly while waiting for the gelato to melt in your mouth before you replied. “No, I moved to card payments processing. I mostly deal a lot more with risk now. Jisoo stayed in banking and she’s happy for the most part. I got curious about card payment technology so I moved.”

“What’s it like?”

“It’s a bit more about anticipating user errors and other possible scams. It’s tough since I think people just never run out of tricks, to be honest. You start hating humans a bit.” You laugh, but it’s obvious in your face that you seem to enjoy what you do. “It’s annoying for the most part but it keeps me on my toes, so there’s that. Chae has moved to digital analytics and likes it. She’s ever the workaholic but Jisoo’s matching her pace. I think they’re both enjoying the work culture.”

“You know that’s not the first time I’ve heard that line, ‘enjoying the work culture.’ I spoke to Chaeng before and she keeps talking about it. I’m not sure I know exactly what that means for you here.”

You think about it thoughtfully for a while, flipping your little spoon idly through your gelato. “I think it might be different for some people, I guess, and I think you might know how it feels since you worked in New York yourself. But I think…Singapore can be quite different culturally compared to Seoul. I mean, the pace can be the same and perhaps maybe the intensity, too, but the diversity has definitely pushed us to be different people.”

You put in a small piece of gelato on your tongue, using it to give you a bit of a break and giving you more time to think, I suppose.

“Like for me, I feel like everyone here is treated more or less equally in terms of working capability. There are fewer issues here about hierarchy and bowing and needing to be polite all the time to your elders. Sure, every once in a while it slips out of us, I mean it’s still hard to outgrow a culture you grew up in. But for the most part, I enjoy being able to face C-level individuals and be respected for me and my capabilities. I enjoy understanding where people came from and cultures I never knew. It’s refreshing, and it’s distinctly Singapore.”

I nod thoughtfully at your words. I know you’ve always been passionate, but I never kind of witnessed you take things this way. You sound and look…more confident. Maybe this is the change I see in you?

“I think it might be the same for New York, I guess, but I was there for a few months and I mostly treated my work colleagues as clients so I think it’s harder for me to immerse. And since I was mostly alone I felt like more of a traveller and tourist and less…involved, I guess.”

“I get what you mean. I think time and your concept of home drastically changes your view. If you see yourself as a visitor, you’re not really required to change nor empathise.”

“Exactly. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just never had much experience with it. It’s more…fleeting. And maybe at the back of my head, I knew I’m going back to South Korea anyway.”

“Are you not planning to work overseas?”

I think about it carefully. “I…kind of wanted to see how Seoul changes, you know? Or maybe I’m just looking for motivation or reasons to move. It’s not that it has become…comfortable, but maybe I just never quite had the push.”

“We’re here. We can always support you if you move.”

I look at you carefully. “I’ll think about it.”

You nod again silently and we both linger on our gelatos. It has started to thaw.

“What was your motivation back then?” I ask you. I barely remember how it was more than 2 years ago but maybe you now also have a new take on things. Or maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that I could find in myself the same motivation.

“Well, Jisoo and Chaeyoung were already in Singapore two years before me, so I knew my transition would be easier compared to living somewhere else alone. And…I don’t know. Things with Nia then were kind of getting monotonous. I thought a change of scene might help.”

Nia. I have almost forgotten about her.

“Did it help?” I suppose it did since I remember it brought Nia to Singapore, too.

“For a time.”

“How is she, by the way?”

“She’s okay. I heard she was promoted but I’m not sure what she’s working on now. She got a new place in Seoul.”

“Wait, what do you mean in Seoul?”

“She moved back. A year ago. Didn’t I tell you?”

“No.”

“Yeah, she did.”

You eat through the last parts of your gelato while I gingerly play with the rest of mine. I’m kind of really not interested in it anymore.

“So…how is that working for the two of you?”

You chuckle. “It’s not working at all. Have I not told you we broke up more than a year ago?”

I shake my head. I guess I distanced myself that much that I barely got news from you.

“Yeah. We broke up.”

“Is it because she wanted to move back to Seoul?”

“No, she moved to Seoul because we broke up. To be honest, when we moved on our first year it was fun discovering new things, but when we ran out of things to distract us, I guess we were faced with the truth that we were having a lot of troubles.”

“Which were?”

“I don’t think I was into Nia as much as I should have and to be honest, I don’t think she was either.”

“But she moved for you?”

“For a time. I think she kind of liked the idea of somewhere new. But later on we just…died down, I guess.”


	3. Part 3: Sometimes you think maybe you just jumped the gun.

I take a moment to breathe. There were a lot of questions in my head, but I’m not sure I wanted to ask them out loud, to be honest. You take your cue from my silence.

“How about you? Are you dating?”

I mull it over a bit. “Not right now. I’m not really looking.”

“Isn’t it lonely?”

“I think if you’re busy enough you won’t miss what’s not around.”

“Have you ever even fallen in love with anyone, though?”

I look at you longingly.

“Of course.”

I don’t think you noticed. You nod distractedly. “I know you were with Tzuyu for a time, right?”

“She’s nice. But we had to part ways.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“I don’t think I was into Tzuyu as much as I should have.” I teased, using your words. You laughed at me, and I spend a few seconds just entertaining the thought that this could have been us. This could have still been our constant if I didn’t fuck it up. I tried dismissing the idea.

You look at your phone and your eyebrows twitch into a knot.

“Jisoo just messaged me saying Chae kind of got there early. It’s only 1:40 pm but do you want to go and meet her now?”

“Aren’t they going there together?”

“No, Chu had to run an errand so she said she’ll be a bit late.”

I shrug. “Yeah, I’m okay to go if you are.”

You start to pick up both of our cups but I grab them from you. “Let me.”

“Okay, I’ll start booking a ride.”

We start walking towards the door and I try to look for a garbage bin. You open the door for me and I follow through, then point at a bin just beside the door. I chuck the two cups in.

“Okay, car’s arriving in about 3 minutes. We can stay here.” You squint your eyes at me and I take the time to take you in again. I have a massive feeling that’s what I’m going to end up constantly doing for the rest of this trip. “Did you get taller? I feel like you weren’t this tall then.”

“Or maybe you got shorter.”

You slap my arm playfully as you laugh. Your hand slides through my arm and stays there, casually holding on.

“I missed you, Lisa. It’s been too long.”

“I know. You barely visited Seoul.”

“And you were always busy.”

“What can I say, I’m in demand.” I wink at you and grin. “I’m making time now.”

“You think this is enough? I have barely gotten out all your stories from you.”

“It’s a start.”

You smile but look away distractedly. Your eyes start to narrow.

“Here’s our ride.” You say as a black sedan pulls up. You open the door and slide in and I follow suit.

I watch you go through your phone while the car starts to move. I look at your other hand that’s idly positioned on the seat and I again feel an overwhelming need to intertwine my fingers with yours, but I stop myself. The ache keeps building the more I look at you.

I think my sighs caught your attention. You smile, then rest on the car’s seat, your head cocked to face me. We take a few minutes to just softly look at each other.

“Where did you go?” You softly ask. I look at you like I know exactly what you mean, but I still think I’m lost in the matters concerning you.

I shrug. “You always know where to find me.”

“No,” Your tone was with a little pain, but maybe I just imagined it. “You left.”

“I was left behind. I was just there.”

Our words were now laced thick with various meanings. Messages we meant to say. Messages we should have said before. But I didn’t feel resentment from you, just disappointment. I’m not sure from where Jennie. I’m not sure what you wanted me to do then.

You bravely did what I have been wishing to do for a hundred times today and reached out and intertwined your fingers with mine. My heart bruised itself further, feeling relief and longing at the same time. You softly brushed your thumb at the back of my hand and kept doing so while looking at me quietly, and we remained that way for the rest of the ride.

It was not even 10 minutes when the car pulled up in front of a restaurant that’s facing the beach. You gradually let go of my hand as you open the door beside you, and my hand stays there, already regretting the loss of your hand’s warmth. I pull myself up resentfully, wishing why we aren’t having any of New York’s traffic just when we needed it.

You’re waiting for me outside, the phone pressed to your ear. I slowly walk up to you and you smile, your free arm intertwining with mine. You make the conscious decision of grabbing on to my arm and I wonder what happened to the more intimate intertwining we had earlier. I hear you say “Uh-huh” and “Okay, coming up,” before you exit the call.

“Chae’s upstairs. I haven’t been to this specific restaurant, but Chu claims this is one of the best seafood restaurants here. This whole stretch is actually a park. The beach here isn’t really meant for swimming, but it’s still nice to look at, I guess.”

I nod but I wasn’t really listening. My mind still goes to the time you were looking at me quietly. We walk up towards the stairs and look around.

The place is relatively simple but big, reminiscent of the seaside restaurants we used to go to in Busan. The airconditioned space upstairs looks more like it’s meant to host events and less of grilling as it has cushioned chairs and ornate table covers compared to the downstairs area that has plastic tables and seats, perhaps catering to the beach picnic crowd. My eyes wander when I hear a distinct chirpy voice scream “Lisaaaaaa” and my smile widens upon finding the face it belongs to.

She runs from the table and slams her body at me, gripping me tight while squealing “Lisa Lisa Lisa Lisa” and I laugh. I realise that you have already stepped aside to give space to the excited blonde. She slaps my shoulder after releasing me from the warm hug.

“Bitch, where have you hidden yourself?” She laughs and I admit I have missed her candour.

“I missed you, too, Chipmunk. How have you been?”

“How have you been yourself. I’m not the one who just came from a trip to New York.” She then looks at you excitedly. “I took the liberty to order, Jennie. I’m starving!”

“You’re always starving. Is Chu not feeding you enough?”

“Don’t fucking question how I take care of my girlfriend, Manoban.” I hear a voice behind me and I turn to see the smug face of Jisoo, who treats me to a huge hug. I feel like my face is breaking from the wide smile I have stretched on my face.

“I thought Jennie said you’ll be late?”

“I was able to wrap things up early so I went straight here.” Jisoo nods towards you and a playful grin spreads across her face. “Did you have that much-needed catch up with Jennie unnie?”

“Don’t remind her, Jisoo. She hasn’t called me unnie since she landed, thank god. I am tired of that word.”

“Ah, where are your Korean manners, Manoban. Have we not taught you well?”

“Jennie says you don’t even practice your Korean hierarchy here, so you can shove the honorifics up your ass, Chu.”

Chae playfully gasps. “Baby, are you gonna let this little bitch treat you like that?”

Jisoo just laughs and takes a seat next to Chaeyoung. I sit beside you to your left, and not even a minute passes a waitress places plates and random appetisers in front of us. I’m starting to really like the efficiency around here. Jisoo orders a Tiger beer and I ask for one, too. My feelings still haven’t settled since and perhaps it’s time for the aid of alcohol.

“Good thing you thought about finally dropping by. I honestly thought I’d forget your face soon.” Chae starts the discussion up. She has started nibbling on the peanuts that were placed on the table.

“I really wanted to. I thought since it’s en route anyway and I really wanted to meet you guys again.”

“How long has been, 3, 4 years?”

“Almost 4 years for you,” I motion to Chae and Jisoo, “And more than 2 years for Jennie. Although technically I met you both for Lucas’ wedding 2 years ago, but I don’t really count that as we barely had time to catch up and I had to leave immediately.”

“Yeah, I remember that!” Chae pipes up. “You were supposed to fly off to California at that time, right? I remember being massively pissed because we were hoping you’d stay over at our hotel and we’d all get to catch up until you told me one of your cousins got into an accident and was in the ICU and your whole family is flying to see her and I just spent the whole time feeling bad.”

We laugh at the memory. “She’s doing fine now, thanks for asking.”

“I don’t really give a fuck, to be honest, but glad to hear that.”

We laugh a little bit more. The mugs of Tiger beer gets served on our table and the discussions become more typical: How Chae is, how Jisoo is, how the two are doing, how things are with everyone else. You and Jisoo have your own small personal catch up, too, as Chae starts asking me for details about my trip to New York.

The food arrives and everyone breaks into a small cheer. I silently eye the food they’ve ordered: while they definitely look interesting, I’m not sure I understand what they are. I think Chae sees my apprehension and starts pointing at things.

“So that’s Salted Egg Chicken; that’s Cereal Prawn; that is just some random vegetables tossed around, I don’t really know; this is Sambal Stingray and we’re still waiting for the chilli crab I ordered. I don’t know if you eat a lot of rice but I ordered a Yang Chow. It goes well with all these.”

“Yeah, I can eat that. I order a lot of Chinese in New York so I’m not above rice.”

Chaeyoung starts to ask me more details about my work that I get distracted and don’t really make a move to get any food. It’s then that I noticed that my plate now had a few bits of what looked like Cereal Prawn, Salted Egg Chicken, and some Sambal Stingray. I then realise that you were putting in some of the vegetables into my plate.

I smile and couldn’t resist whispering to you, “Careful, I might think we’re still on a date.”

“You can go ahead and think whatever you want, Manoban, if it helps you sleep at night.”

I chuckle a little. “I might miss this when I get back to Seoul.”

“Then that’s too bad for you.”

The last wisps of your breath catch on my ear, and it gives me a little shudder. I try to focus again on Chaeyoung’s questions and you focused on Jisoo’s, pretending like this is nothing out of the ordinary.

I go through my food and I appreciate how the flavours jump out on my tongue. The Salted Egg Chicken and the Cereal Prawn are definitely starting to become my favourite. The Yang Chow Fried Rice and the Chilli Crab gets served, and I feel overwhelmed by the amount of good food we have.

“Have you ever been in touch with the other people in the org?” Jisoo’s question gets my attention. “I think most of them are still in Seoul but a lot have ventured out elsewhere.”

“I’m still in touch with Bam and Mark just before he left, but to be honest I’ve kind of lived under the radar so I haven’t really talked to many. We have catch-ups every once in a while.”

I look at Chae and Jisoo fondly and reminisce a little: we’ve all gotten close because we met each other through an analytics group at Uni. I joined a year after you did and you three were already tight then, but we’ve all kind of gotten closer. I’d like to think I was a breath of fresh air to the three of you, but maybe you all just took me under your wing because you knew I was struggling to fit in from Thailand.

“Do you remember when Bam was trying to get into Jeongyeon’s pants but we all knew girlie is gay but in denial?” Chae was giggling through her Yang Chow. “Nayeon never knew what hit her.”

We all laughed a little, remembering how Jeongyeon was in denial of her feelings for Nayeon back in Uni. The two are still together, from what I remember.

“Our little org kind of played matchmaking, didn’t it?” Jisoo commented. She’s still going through her Tiger beer but probably slower than my drinking habits.

“Yeah, to be honest, it only failed us with Jennie and Lisa because I really thought you guys would end up together.”

I choke on my beer with Chae’s comment. My eyes widen to warn them, but it doesn’t look like Chae nor Jisoo are planning to cover my back anytime soon.

“Yeah, remember when Lisa was so in love with Jennie back in Uni that she was like a little puppy following her around?”

I shoot Jisoo dagger looks but I don’t think she cared. They just kept giggling.

“What do you mean?” You ask. I really wanted to find a diversion quick.

“What, were you really not aware that Lisa was massively in love with you before?” I could see you in the corner of my eye and your face changed. I couldn’t really tell what that frown meant.

“Jisoo, I was not massively in love with Jennie can you fucking shut up, please?”

“What, it’s in the past, right?” Jisoo is giving me that taunting smile that I couldn’t weasel myself out of. “Come on, Lis. You can tell Jennie how you were head over heels in love with her then.”

Then?

Then? Really?

How about until now?

“Yeah, remember when you thought Jennie was straight?” Chae just never knew how to stop. “And then she met Nia at work and got into this relationship after her string of boyfriends and we were all ‘what the fuck’ and just oooof.”

“I think you made your point, Chae.” You kindly stop her, but I stay lost in Chae’s words.

Because it was true. I was in love with you.

But I thought we were just friends. And I thought you were straight.

And then suddenly you were with Nia. And it broke me in various ways that I never thought possible. I should have told you how I felt. It should have been me.

But I didn’t. I was too worried to ruin what we had. And then, later on, we both managed to ruin what we had anyway.

“Shut up, Chae,” I try weakly. I think they could hear through my tone and kindly stopped. They talked about other topics, like Mark getting a job in the UK. You excuse yourself to leave for the toilets and I feel a bit weird, thinking about whether maybe the comments made you feel off and about the number of the things I still couldn’t say.

I try to redirect my feelings until you get back to us. I don’t really know how else to deal with my emotions about you except when you usually intervene, and like clockwork, you again do.

Because you take my breath away again, walking in this slow-motion stride where you just looked absolutely gorgeous, looking at me with these shy eyes and a slight blush in your cheeks and I wonder if you intended it to be just for me: for you to come back and look at me with that gaze like I was the only one in the room and you intended that lip bite just for me, and I sat there like the proud girlfriend that you come back to.

But I’m not your girlfriend. I’m just that girl who is in love with you for years but couldn’t do anything.

You sit back on your seat and my throat dries, trying to get myself to not show that I was worried. For a moment our eyes meet, mine laced with worry and yours probing, but I pull back, because I’m really not sure what I’m demanding for, not now, not right now.

The rest of the time everyone talks about things that I don’t really want to talk about and I’m still lost in my head trying to replay what I thought your stares were trying to tell me but I know I’m just assuming.


	4. Part 4: Learnings that pave the way

We wrap up on lunch and I was astounded to find that we’d managed to go through all the food. Maybe I was that hungry, too, or maybe it was Chae who ate everything.

After we settled the bill (which I still maintain Jisoo shouldn’t have footed everything, but knowing her, I won’t really be able to argue) we all went out to walk a little bit outside the beach area. I understand why the beach looks like it’s not suitable for swimming; it was more of a dock area for multiple cargo ships about maybe 10 kms away from shore, but it made for a pretty picture nevertheless. Chae is excitedly talking about random plans Jisoo and her are hoping to do, and we all look for a bench to sit somewhere to continue the discussions. I look at the time and realise it’s already 5:10 pm, and I wish I didn’t have to leave just yet.

Jisoo notices. “What time is your flight?”

“7:30 pm.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re going to have plenty of time. Immigration is quick and it’s normally pretty clear cut. You might just need some time to walk inside the airport but you can leave here with just an hour to boarding and you’re still good. We’re only 10 minutes away.”

“You know that phrase is starting to drive me crazy because, to be honest, I’ve never really had to be somewhere 10 minutes away and take it so casually.” I laugh, thinking about the traffic in Seoul and New York.

“It’s Singapore, mate. Everything here is just less than an hour away by car, thank god. And seriously, we’re really just 10 minutes away.” Jisoo looks at Chae, frowning. “It’s just too bad we won’t be able to go with you as we have this dinner thing I can’t get out of. Are you gonna be okay getting to the airport?”

“Don’t worry, I’m bringing her there.” You pipe up casually. Jisoo looks at me playfully and winks.

“Okay, Jennie. Thanks for taking care of our Lisa.”

I shake my head while grinning and hope you didn’t catch Jisoo’s teasing. We all look at the sea for a minute.

“Who would have thought we’d have our reunion in Singapore?”

Jisoo looks at Chae warmly, nodding at her comment. “Who would have even thought we’d ever be in Singapore after Uni, to be honest.”

“Yeah, I never pegged you to leave Korea, actually. I mean, Chae’s always been transient since her family’s in Australia. But you’ve always been deeply rooted in Korea.” I told Jisoo. She shrugs.

“I go where my girlfriend goes, Manoban. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.”

“Yeah, it’s a commitment you signed up for to make sure this chipmunk is always well-fed, isn’t it?”

Chae squeals a ‘hey!’ and playfully slaps my leg at my comment. Jisoo laughs, too.

“Well, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make sure I’m beside this woman,” Jisoo wraps her arm around Chaeng, hugging her closer. “I knew I could make anything happen anyway as long as I’m with her. And careers are pretty malleable anyway. I could bring my career anywhere.”

I nod thoughtfully, wondering if it will ever happen to me. My life nowadays has mostly been just about work and nothing else. I look at you and I remember about the times that my life was about mostly you and work, but I was happier. I take a deep breath. I also realise that you’ve been quiet since we left the restaurant.

“Almost 5 years for you; almost 4 for me. And I feel we’re all extremely changed people.” I say pensively. “What would you have advised to your graduating self?”

We all hum a little and think. Jisoo answers first.

“I think I would tell myself to keep an open mind. I guess I got that shock of moving to another place that’s not my comfort zone and it was overwhelming.” She lets go of Chae’s shoulders and rest her arms on her legs, and I know immediately that she’s really thinking this through. “I mean, you can’t blame me: I’ve been in Seoul for most of my life. I knew nothing else. And then I was subjected to a lot of things when I got here that I almost had an aversion to the change. Imagine having to let go of a culture that shaped you. But I think what helped me is realising that this is growth, change is growth. And that I don’t have to pattern myself after other people’s successes. I took my time and improved myself, but I was the benchmark. Not someone else.”

“To be fair, baby, you’ve really gone a long way.” Chae rubs Jisoo’s back comfortingly.

“I know. But I wouldn’t have known these things if I didn’t leave Korea. And I never thought it would happen only a year after graduation.”

We all nod appreciatively. Chae follows Jisoo’s lead.

“I think for my end is that I got to test exactly how independent I was. So…maybe not just tell my graduating self, but my secondary school self just before I left Australia. I’d go Doctor Seuss up my ass and say ‘oh, the places you would go!’” She laughs and everyone does, too. “I mean, it’s one thing to go back to my mother tongue place for Uni, but it’s also another to move to a country you have absolutely no ties in. We heavily depended on each other, if not ourselves.”

I nod at Chae’s comment. “Was it that hard for you, too when you moved here?”

“In a sense, but I guess I also felt overwhelmed about the whole thing and realising I still had a lot to learn. New culture does that to you, I guess.” Chae pauses thoughtfully. “Oh, and that maybe it’s okay to feel lost. Especially when I made that move to digital, for a time before that I kept beating myself up for not understanding exactly what I wanted. I felt transient for a bit. If you ask my Uni self what she wants, I’d definitely say I would be in a bank in 5 years and making a career out of it in Seoul. Never in my wildest dreams that I’d be in Singapore and moving over to digital and still feeling like my career could be pliable.”

“Yeah, take risks as long as it could make you happy,” Jisoo concludes.

We all chuckle light-heartedly, but a part of me feels like a boulder just plunged in my stomach. I guess it’s not uncommon to feel lost, but the more I stayed on this island, the more I feel like what I’ve been doing with my life really isn’t everything. But that’s the only thing I’ve focused on, for the most part, to distract me, and now what Jisoo and Chae have been sharing is resonating in ways I didn’t foresee.

Because you see, Jennie, you always made me happy. How do I deal with that?

They look at me with anticipation, but I hold my hands out in defeat.

“I was just asking you guys, I didn’t say I’d have an answer. I kinda really don’t have anything.”

“That’s not fair,” You prod. I then nudge you with my elbow playfully.

“Well, what’s yours then?”

You take a beat to think about things, then carefully respond.

“I would tell myself to be braver.”

I frown at your response. I feel like everything you’ve done for the most part have been brave.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” You slowly respond, almost like you’re carefully filtering through your thoughts. “I feel like most of what I’ve done is to swerve away from things that I really wanted. Like I have been choosing things that were safe so I wouldn’t get hurt.”

“Wait, Singapore was a safe decision for you?” Jisoo asked.

“Well, yeah. It was new but you guys were already here. I could have gone somewhere else but I considered Singapore because of you two.” You shrug. “Not to say I regret it, because I love what Singapore has done to me. But I wonder what could have happened if I just followed my heart and stopped going for the safe options.”

“Options – plural?” Chae asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe even Nia?”

Jisoo and Chae go into a whole display of “oooooh” and I see you feel a little bothered, but I choose to be quiet.

“How was Nia a safe option?” Jisoo prompted.

“She pursued me. I thought, why not.”

“But what would you have done?”

I thank the gods for Jisoo’s brazenness. I wouldn’t have had the heart to ask these questions.

“I would have waited for true love to come around.”

“Who is true love?”

You shrug at Jisoo’s question. The couple cackle, but I already mentally lament the lack of your answer.

I look at my watch. 5:40 pm.

“Hey, you think we should start heading out?” I ask you carefully and you nod. I stand up and motion to a bear hug to Chae. She moulds herself in my embrace.

“Say hi to Seoul’s weather for me.”

“I will. I’m sure you miss the cold.”

“Not in the slightest. Do you know how convenient it is to wear singlets around here?”

I laugh. I let go of Chae and move next to Jisoo, who gives me a motherly hug. I am reminded of the distinct difference between the two.

“Please don’t get lost in the airport. I know you can be stupid sometimes.”

I laugh at Jisoo’s comment and tighten the hug. I let go and look at her with a longing for an immediate future in my life that involves Jisoo. Or all three of you. I think I’ve isolated myself in Seoul for too long.

“Thank you for meeting me today.”

“Any opportunity to meet you and roast your ass, Manoban. Safe flight, okay?”

I nod, smiling. You get our attention for a bit. “Our car arrives in 2 minutes. Should we start walking to the pick-up point?”

Chae nods in approval. “I’m gonna book a car for us, too. Let’s walk together.”

We all start heading to the pick-up point, Chae clinging to my arms like she always used to. Jisoo just laughs at her girlfriend’s clingy disposition and I make sure to take in as much of her as I could. We arrive at the waiting shed and a car pulls up. I look at you and you nod, indicating this is our ride.

“Folks, this is us.” I motion for another hug for Chae and Jisoo, which they both graciously accept. You go to the two to kiss them on their cheeks goodbye.

“I’ll see you soon, I promise. More time.”

“You better,” Chae warns me and then makes a cute show of her making a ball of her fist. I give her a flying kiss and slide into the car, you already waiting inside.

I wave the two goodbye as the car starts to move, and my wide smile lingers. You intertwine your fingers with mine reassuringly.

“Are you okay?”

“I missed them,” I tell you. You nod understandingly.

I let a few minutes pass by silently. Between wishing Jisoo and Chae goodbye and the takeaways of this afternoon, my head is swimming with thoughts I couldn’t enclose. The next words that leave my lips were uncontained.

“How was Nia a safe option?”

I don’t look at you but I can feel you stalling. You take your time answering.

“I wanted to see if my theory is right; if I really was into girls. And Nia offered herself to me. But the whole time, I felt like I was sustaining something I really didn’t want.”

“So, you realised you weren’t into girls but got into it?”

“I realised I was in love with someone else, but I thought the person wasn’t into me.”

“And you never told the person?”

“Like I said, I wish I could tell myself then to be braver, but I kept thinking there were more important things than my feelings.”

I bite my lip for a bit. I see the views outside and they were the same plants that lined up the highway that I saw earlier, indicating that the airport is near. They’re really not kidding when they say the airport is 10 minutes away.

You hold my hand adoringly again and I die a little bit inside. I’m flying out. I’m flying out of here, away from you. I’m detaching myself away from you like before. Why?

“Please always take care,” You whisper. I nod, frustrated with myself. We hold hands quietly until Terminal 4 comes into view, the terminal that hosts Korean Air.

“We’re here,” The driver announces. Like I need a reminder. I gingerly let go of your hand and alight, while you go around the car and affix yourself beside me.

We start walking inside, the hustle and bustle of the airport greeting me again. The same floors and artificially chilled air reminding me of my imminent departure. You slowly wrap your hand around mine again, and I try to slow down my steps, but I see the gated departure area and everything feels heavy.

“I feel like I’m being sent off by a girlfriend,” I chuckle. You smile, but I notice it’s a bit strained.

“Girlfriend experience, huh?” You tell me. “I should charge you next time.”

I laugh a little, then we find ourselves in front of the departure gates. I look at the two uniformed men who are checking the boarding passes and passports, just before the immigration.

“Thank you so much for hosting me,” I tell you. You look at me with a sweet smile, but I feel like it’s not genuine. But maybe it’s just me.

“Thank you for reaching out again, Lili. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.”

I stand there, nodding. I think that’s enough for me.

All of a sudden you jump and wrap your arms tight around me. I hear your ragged breaths like you’re trying to stop yourself from crying.

“Lili, please come back to me again,” You say, trying not to sob. I gulp and nod in your words. “I missed you so, so much. I’m sorry if what I did made you go. But please, let’s not be distant again.”

I shut my eyes hard, trying to will the present to disappear. I can just live here, forever, in your arms.

“Always take care in Seoul, okay?” You tell me. I nod again and hug you tighter than I intended to. This is it. This is goodbye.

I let go carefully and your face looks upset, but you’re trying so hard not to show it. We’re still not okay, I know it, I can feel it. And I’m leaving this place unsettled, but I’m not sure exactly how to fix us, Nini.

I smile sadly and walk towards the departure area. I get my passport out and boarding pass and show it to the officer.

I look back at you and find you still looking at me, eyes brimming with years. You make a small wave, and I return it.

I walk a little further towards the immigration area.

I look back at you. You’re still standing there, seeing me off. I see a tear betray you and drop on your cheek.

I stop.

I can’t do this.


	5. Part 5: There’s always wiggle room

I run back outside and an officer tries to stop me on impulse. I tell him I just need a minute then walk towards you. You look at me with confused eyes.

I take a deep breath.

They never prepare you for these things. But now I think I’m prepared to risk.

“Jennie,” I breathe your name between my lips. “I have an answer.”

“To what?”

“What I would tell myself more than 4 years ago.”

You chuckle nervously. “You went back here to tell me that? You could have just told me over text, doofus.”’

I shrug my shoulders, licking my lips nervously.

“I would have told myself to stop overthinking.”

You scrunch your eyebrows, obviously lost. “Okay?”

“I would tell myself to stop overthinking and tell you how I feel. Even if it hurts.” I see you look at me like you’re preparing yourself for the worst. “It wasn’t your fault that I distanced myself from you. I distanced myself because…I have been in love with you, Jennie Ruby Jane. For the longest time.”

You look at me with confused eyes, mouth open. You’ve stopped breathing, but I push myself to continue. I can’t keep running away. From the truth. From you.

“I was so, so worried about losing you. But I continued loving you even if you didn’t want me and I had to keep away to stop myself from wanting more of you because it hurt. So much.” I rush through my words because I’m worried I won’t get the chance to tell you these things again and if I stop, I might not be able to tell you the truth. “I need to tell you now and be brave, but please know that I’m not asking for anything else you can’t give. I just want what we had back. It broke me being apart from you and barely talking to you.”

Your tears have now begun to flow and you begin sobbing. “Lisa…” You whisper, the break in your voice also breaking my heart. I brace myself to feel hurt as I know you can only offer friendship.

My train of thoughts gets stopped by you launching yourself unto me, your lips sealing mine. I linger on the warmth of you, the perfection of you, the home of you, Your lips probe a little but is still shy, and I don’t mind, just staying in your comfort. But then I feel you wrap your arms around my neck and demand to go deeper and with so much want and immediately I was catapulted to exactly how I remembered kissing you then, even more.

I break the kiss with a little gasp, trying to get a little air in. You laugh a little unto my lips and I feel lost in the spontaneity of this, but the way you look at me makes my head spin and feel more confused and vulnerable. You seem to feel this and set your forehead on mine, grabbing my cheeks and anchoring me for a bit.

“I’ve been in love with you for the longest time, too, Lisa.” You murmur into my lips. “I’m sorry it has also taken me some time to tell you. I’m so sorry for hurting you,” I kiss you again and this time it feels softer, laced with both relief and lament, of a love discovered and a love that’s leaving. I break the kiss and sob unto your embrace. You start crying on my shoulders, too.

“I really wanted to tell you, too. I wanted to be brave today, Lisa. I really did. But I’m in Singapore now. And you have a life in Seoul. I can’t do that to you. To us. I can’t hurt you again by telling you I love you but not knowing how to move this forward.”

“I know it might be too late, but Nini, I want to be where you are. You are the perfect reason to take a risk. I just want to follow you wherever you go,” I tell your worried eyes. I tell all l that I’ve been thinking, all of what Jisoo’s and Chae’s stories made me realise. “And I know I need to fly out tonight. But can you trust that I will try to find my way to you?”

You nod, eyes red with tears of either relief or pain. I grab your cheeks and look at you longingly, and seize you for another hug.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you so, much, too. It killed me every day, Lisa.” I embrace you closer, and you launch into another round of sobs. We take a few minutes just hugging each other, wishing the hurt away.

“We wasted a long time already. I hate that we’re doing this only now,” You chuckle a little at my sniffles near your ear. “But can we talk more about this? Because I can’t live my life being a coward anymore and not telling you how much I love you. Please. Let me call you when I reach Seoul. I now know I’ll do everything to be with you if you’ll have me. Please?”

You hug me tighter and bury your head on my shoulders and I wish right now that I wouldn’t have to go. Why do these kind of goodbyes happen at the airport?

I whisper on your hair, “I have to go,” and you nod. I let go of you, but your eyes have a different picture on them. They paint of longing, of a love I can finally come home to.

“I’ll find my way to you, okay? Please wait for me.”

“Are you sure?”

“I love you, Ruby Jane. I am sure of that. Tonight, let me just go to Seoul. But I’ll be home with you, soon.”

You nod, tears running through your eyes, and it breaks my heart but it makes me glad finding a new push in life. I smile my last smile for you today, but this time, I bring with me the hope to start a new life with you.

“Then I’ll wait for you, Lisa. I love you, too. I can’t live life without you, again.”


	6. Part 6: The supposed prologue that no one ever really wants to talk about.

**Seoul, more than 2 years ago.**

Her knees were starting to get wobbly and her legs were pretty much just trying to…well, trying. One drunk step over another she goes through the neighbourhood park in Seoul where she knows there wouldn’t be enough nosy neighbours to ogle her. She just tries to pump through even if she really didn’t want to, but she kind of has already committed to this and at this rate, it just doesn’t make sense to turn around anymore. She is stubborn enough to push through this and she will be stubborn enough to get through this.

She runs across the intersection, barely crossing her 4th kilometre. Her legs are starting to give way as she’s running an elevated pathway, but she pushes herself to go through it. Just one more block. Just one more street. The more you go through it, the more kilometres you finish.

She will tell herself it wasn’t her drunk wobbly legs but something else that makes her slip during that time, but she’s just thankful there was a stretch of grass beside that path walk she was running on in the park. Her body skids through the Bermuda grass and she smells the packed soil more than she feels it, but she knew she can’t really proceed anymore. She groans, then tries to pull herself up.

She won’t go home yet tonight. She knows exactly where she could find comfort.

\--

Lisa was just about to sleep when she heard the urgent knocks on her apartment’s door. Well, she’s, of course, convincing herself that she was just about to sleep, but she still was trying to get through a few lines of codes that she’s been trying to analyse for the past 20 minutes. She wondered if it were her mother, but she knew if it were that urgent, she’d likely call Lisa on her mobile instead.

She opens up the door to a distraught Jennie in her dishevelled running gear. There were a few flags that got to Lisa immediately: one, would be why Jennie is in her running gear at 35 minutes past 12 am, and two: why she looked…dirty. Literally. There are grass stains on her white dri-fit shirt and running tights, her hair askew, much unlike how pristine Jennie usually looks like. Lisa’s eyes widen, the worst scenarios going through her head. She grabs Jennie’s shoulders in panic but drops them immediately, not knowing if she might be giving the brunette additional shock or pain.

“Jennie Unnie, are you okay? Did you get hurt?”

“I’m fine. I stumbled on something while I was running at the park earlier and fell on the grass. I’m sorry I disturbed you. Can I stay here for a bit?” Jennie just narrated through the whole thing in one go, barely letting her breath through. Lisa knew her enough to mean she’s really upset.

“Of course, come in,” She opened the door wider to let the short brunette through. The latter went straight to Lisa’s couch and sat gingerly, trying not to get any mess unto the fabric. She sits there like a lost child, just staring at anything other than Lisa.

“Do you want a new shirt? You might get cold in that state,” Lisa offered, but Jennie just shook her head. The latter nervously bit on her lip.

“Jennie Unnie,” Lisa tried again carefully, sitting beside the agitated brunette, “Why were you running at the park at midnight?”

Jennie just stared in front of her, almost trying not to cry. Lisa softly prodded again.

“Jennie,” Lisa dared to touch Jennie’s damp back, carefully running her hand on the brunette’s spine.

The brunette doesn’t speak for a minute. It’s almost like she’s carefully assessing her next words.

“I needed a drunk run.”

Lisa’s forehead creased, then she moved closer to Jennie to sniff her. She doesn’t smell of anything suspicious.

“You’re drunk? You don’t smell drunk.”

“I had a few beers and no dinner, so you know how it goes.”

“Jennie, why the fuck would you go running in that state?” Lisa assessed her again. “Is that why you tripped?”

“No,” Jennie answered quickly, a tad bit too defensive. “I’m sober now.” She resumed staring at a spot on the wall and her aggressive frowning.

Lisa may be a little bothered by what this girl has got her panties in a twist, but she couldn’t help but chuckle at how much Jennie just looked like a petulant kitten. She stood up and went to the kitchen, grabbed two bottles of beer and a bottle opener, then went back and offered one to Jennie. She shook her head, declining. Lisa shrugged. She definitely needs one right now, so she placed the unopened bottle on the floor near Jennie, plopped on the sofa beside her and opened her bottle cap in one swift motion. She was drinking through her alcohol by the time she got settled.

She let a few minutes sink in, then she heard Jennie sigh. The latter grabbed the bottle from the floor and motioned for Lisa to open it, then took a long swig. They resumed sitting beside each other in silence.

Their dynamic has always been like this for years. Jennie usually bottles in a lot of her disappointments and Lisa just waits until Jennie’s ready. Lisa does a lot of waiting, to be honest, but Jennie was never the type to be pushed unless ready. She always liked to pretend she’s stronger than everyone thinks.

Sure enough, after a few silent minutes, Jennie finally spoke.

“I’m fucking frustrated with a lot of things,” She sighed after resting her arm on her thighs, her bottle placed idly on her knee. “On top of that, I’m so fucking sexually frustrated right now. That’s why I ran.”

Lisa almost choked on her beer. Jennie just had to open her mouth while she’s drinking.

Lisa waited a bit more to see if Jennie’s going to talk. When she looked like she won’t, she finally dared to venture a question.

“What about Nia?”

“What about her?”

“She can’t help you with that?”

Jennie sighed. She started playing with her bottle, tracing random stuff from the label.

“We’ve…been having issues. I don’t know. I think she’s a little nervous about me leaving for Singapore soon, but she’s been all cling and no…I don’t know. I tried earlier, after dinner. I kept kissing her and trying to tease her, but she just asked if we’re just making out or we’re having sex because if it’s the latter, she’s a little tired.”

Lisa just nodded. She’s met Nia a few times, but they’re not particularly close. It feels weird to be close to the girlfriend of the girl you’re in love with, so she avoided Nia as much as she could. But she knew Nia to be…affable, to say the least.

“Did you try telling her?”

“I’ve been dropping hints for two weeks, almost always I get shut down. I don’t want to have to beg sex from my girlfriend.”

Lisa took another swig from her beer. She knew from Jennie’s face the moment she opened the door that it was going to be kind of a heavy talk, although she definitely did not expect sex needs talk at past midnight. She doesn’t really know what to say either.

“I’m sorry, Jennie.” She didn’t say it out of pity, as much as she just empathised with the brunette’s situation. In some sense, she knows the feeling of being in that position: sitting beside Jennie numerous times, taking in her natural scent, or when Jennie just comes a little too close and her sex throbs a little too hard—

If only Jennie didn’t have that much effect on her. If only they weren’t only friends.

She took another sip of her beer, trying to douse her now dry throat. She tries to avoid looking at Jennie while she’s trying to clear her head of some lingering thoughts.

“It just sucks because I feel bad about leaving and now I also don’t feel desirable,” Jennie whispered to her beer bottle before taking a sip on it.

Lisa snorted, then before she was able to stop herself, she retorted, “God, are you kidding, you’re so fucking hot. What are you talking about?”

Jennie looked at her with her eyebrows arched, a playful smirk on her face. “Aww, Lisa, didn’t think you saw me like that.”

Lisa was never one for smooth retorts, but tonight she’s feeling a little brave. She took another drink from her bottle to give her the small push she needed.

“Yeah, well, just too bad you have a girlfriend right now,” She croaked. God, it’s been years since puberty but still, she hasn’t developed the skills to be more suave than a 13-year old. Who croaks at a retort?

Jennie’s head snapped towards her, assessing Lisa for a bit before she looked down on her feet.

“Why, what would you have done to me if it weren’t the case?” With her head hanging low, Jennie’s reply was barely a whisper but it was heavy and sultry and everything else Lisa does not want to hear right now.

It was here, in this instance, that Lisa feels something has changed. The two friends would constantly flirt with each other as a joke, but they never take things further. No one ever does.

But Jennie’s husky voice laced thick with lust is driving Lisa crazy. She could barely contain herself and, perhaps due to the number of times she has wished – no, pleaded to all the gods for this to happen, she attempts to cross that line they never talk about.

“I think the easier question is if there’s anything I wouldn’t want to do to you.” Lisa takes the opportunity to take another sip on my beer to pause and get her heart to calm down. “Because there are definitely more than a thousand ways I would have you.”

Lisa finally dared to look at Jennie, whose breathing she’s not sure ever slowed down. The brunette still hasn’t looked up from looking at her feet but her eyes are now hooded and dark, lost in her own rising tension. Her lower lip now starting to pale from the nervous deep bite she’s been doing for a few minutes now.

It takes the two of them a few minutes. Just a few minutes of heavy breathing, trying to expel the thick tension between them.

Jennie jumped and straddled Lisa, her lips colliding aggressively with the younger’s own. She hungrily bit at the other’s lip and expressed her intentions, the blonde still a little shocked at the advances but welcomed the intrusion. Her hands find itself on Jennie’s firm ass, shaped deliciously by her running pants, mentally thanking god for fitting Adidas Climalites that hugged Jennie’s form. She never thought running pants would be the death of her, but I guess she’s always open to new things.

Lisa feverishly ran her finger on Jennie’s body, finding themselves tracing on the brunette’s ribs and the outline of her breasts. She stops her finger just below her mounds, almost like trying to look for permission. The brunette moans unto the blonde’s lips, then grinds her hips further on her legs. She takes this as a hint as she grabs her breasts and hear the brunette’s stifled whimpers on her mouth. She couldn’t stop herself anymore as she detached herself from Jennie’s lips and aggressively peels the latter’s shirt and her sports bra away from her creamy skin, taking her taut nipples in her mouth. Jennie let out a delightful moan and grabbed Lisa’s hair carelessly, pushing her face further unto her body.

This teased Lisa to no end, and her hand left Jennie’s body to grab her warm crotch. Jennie moaned again as she cups her mound, her fingers playfully tracing through her wetness. Lisa moved around like a deranged woman and thrust her hand inside her yoga pants without much permission from the brunette and dared to touch the wetness in her folds; the brunette reacted with a feeling of both hunger and satisfaction, arching her head further as the blonde eased inside her, eyes rolling deep.

If the blonde may seem to be rushing then, the world has stopped for her now. Right there, with her fingers nestled deep in Jennie, she found a whole lot of emotions burst inside her, a culmination of a thousand and one things she couldn’t dare say. Every thrust she made is a love letter, a desperate plea to call Jennie unto her. She grasped the brunette’s body tighter and held her close to her own, willing her body to remember every naked crevice, every excited quiver that the brunette’s body made, even the smell of stale sweat mixed with the new ones laced with the brunette’s lust and the blonde’s desire. Every kiss she made on Jennie’s skin is pure devotion, small uncontained bursts full of yearning.

Jennie felt it, the change in Lisa’s demeanour, from extreme hunger to a sudden warmth and softness, or passion, if you will. She doesn’t fully understand it either but a part of her kind of does, and automatically her body slipped from frantic lust to sentimental, easing up on her intensity but doesn’t stop with her need to have the blonde in her. For a moment she allowed herself to feel, to meet her heart’s demands. To let herself fall in love with her best friend that she will soon be leaving even if it’s just for one night.

Lisa’s name rolled off her tongue thickly as she called for more, and the blonde grabbed her waist, further intoxicated. She felt the brunette grind deeper on her fingers and she couldn’t help herself anymore, couldn’t stop herself anymore as her fingers curled inside the brunette. She picked up the pace and she felt Jennie’s thighs quiver, her skin flush with greed to take in as much of the blonde could offer. Her breath hitched and her throat released an unstoppable ragged moan, pushed her body closer to Lisa and took in more of the blonde’s warmth, scent, taste – everything Lisa, as she buried her face on her neck, her lips moaning on the skin beside the blonde’s ear. Lisa tightened her hold on the brunette’s back as she helped her ride her orgasm.

The brunette takes a few long straggled breaths on the blonde’s shoulders; the former’s flushed cheeks resting softly on the blonde’s. She takes her time, trying to will herself to stop saying things she might regret, even if it feels right at the moment.

She drew a long sigh and pulled back, then suddenly a panicked look washed over Jennie. It suddenly dawned on her how messed up the whole situation is: this is her best friend that yes, she has been in love with but feels Lisa never really wanted her; now Jennie used her to fill a need but she has a girlfriend and they’re just about to move to Singapore. It feels like multiple conflicting train wrecks in her head. Lisa tries to look at her to calm her down but fails.

“I’m so sorry, this is a mistake,” Jennie whispered, and Lisa then understood her place. She bit on her lip hard and tried to stop herself from crying. She and Jennie always had plans – Jennie goes for a career in banking that her parents wanted her to do, and Lisa continues to be successful to make her parents proud. They talk about these things incessantly, how they will still be together after all these years. How they’ll be bridesmaids to each other. They made a promise to never stop being friends.

That’s it. They’re friends. Lisa is just a friend.

She doesn’t know if it’s a good thing that at least she’s had Jennie at least once in her life, but she also knew she will also be craving for this her whole life, even if the beautiful memory would hurt her. She nodded painfully at the brunette and tries to tell her what she feels without making her break down: “I’ll be your best-kept secret.”

The brunette nodded, still throbbing from the blonde’s fingers that are still inside her. For a moment, she felt safe, in her understanding best friend’s arms.

She left Lisa’s apartment that night and back to her shared bed with Nia, the other girl not bothering to acknowledge the brunette as she slipped under the quilt beside her. Jennie felt the increasing emotional distance between the two of them, even more so tonight that she has just given herself to the love of her life. She tried to gulp her small sob in, wondering if she has fucked up everything she has with Lisa – the only constant in her life. The only person she couldn’t bear to lose, but she felt that after tonight, she will.

And she does. In her attempt to deflect she left for Singapore after a few days and doesn’t see the blonde to say goodbye. She tried to reach out again after a few months, but she found that their messages suddenly felt strained, and she wanted to lash out, to apologise for fucking everything up and demand for her best friend back. But she never did. They just slipped into distance and silence and small civil catch-ups every once in a while.

Congratulations, Jennie, she told herself. You just managed to lose the one person you couldn’t bear to live without.


	7. Part 7: The Beginning of the End

The shuffle of people preparing themselves to land forced me to open my eyes. I heard the announcement of the pilot earlier, but I thought I could buy a few more minutes if I ignore it.

_Cabin crew, prepare for landing._

I sigh and fix myself, checking my belt absentmindedly even if I know I barely moved away from my seat the past few hours. I blink the stupor away, flexing my neck and removing the stiffness.

“Excuse me,” A tall cabin crew member knelt on the aisle beside my ears, perhaps trying to modulate her voice, worried about alarming me. “I didn’t get to ask you earlier since you were sleeping, but would you need an immigration card?”

I was thankful for the kindness in her voice. I suppose she knows, too, because maybe I still looked a little dishevelled from my nap. Or maybe not just my nap, but maybe from life.

“No, thank you. I live here,” I manage to croak, the voice leaving my dry throat almost sounded like it barely came from mine. 

She looked at me tentatively but she nodded. Maybe she didn’t really believe me much either when I said ‘I live here.’

To be honest, after everything that has happened, I don’t really know what living anywhere means anymore, either. 

I don’t really know where is home.

I close my eyes again, forcing them shut for 10 minutes until I feel the bump of the tires hit the runway. There’s a barely audible collective sigh coming from the passengers, and I look around, finding some Korean passengers excitedly talking amongst themselves. Nothing like the relief of landing safe, I suppose, that breaks the breaths people have been inadvertently holding in.

The overhead speakers blast “Thank you for flying Korean Air,” and I tune out the inevitable.

I wait for a few minutes after the plane parks and the doors are opened before I grab my satchel from below the chair and try to overtake a few busybodies with arms stretched towards the overhead bin. I absently nod at the few cabin crews on the way out, but one of them holds my gaze a little longer. It’s the same cabin crew lady who offered me an immigration card.

She offers a small smile to my worried eyes and says, “Welcome home.”

I return a nervous smile. I wanted to tell her, _it doesn’t feel like it,_ but she doesn’t need to know my demons.

I walk towards the immigration area as fast as I usually do, pulling my phone to check for any missed messages. I get a few from work, but my fingers navigate first towards yours. 

**I miss you already.**

**Can you SMS me later? Let’s find some time to talk today if we can.**

I close my eyes and take a deep sigh. There’s a brewing anxiety that’s just refusing to leave me, and while I’m on the line towards immigration, my mind is flooded with so many things that I just can’t help myself with.

_Maybe I should go back._

_Maybe I can catch the first flight out back._

_You’re gonna hurt yourself further if you don’t do this._

_Lisa. It doesn’t have to be this way._

But suddenly it’s my turn with the immigration officer and I am forced to step ahead. _Turn back, turn back, turn back,_ my head keeps screaming, and my vision is starting to spin. The immigration officer looks at me and asks, “Are you okay?” and I nod, and wonder how pale I must seem to him. He checks my passport and my identity card against the system before he slides my documents to me. 

“Welcome home,” he offers, and as I grab them I feel the finality of it all.

_Home._

_I’m making a huge mistake, aren’t I?_

_I could still take the first flight out. I could do that._

I trudge towards the baggage area hazily, my heart drowning out my head. I spot a blue and green tartan luggage and listlessly move towards it; the weight barely making a dent in my arms. I walk towards the exit and find a few faces: mothers waiting for their family, some drivers holding up names of their clients, a few young faces perhaps waiting for their lovers.

The last thought leaving a bad sinking feeling in my stomach.

In that moment, I wished so much for you, Jennie. I wish I would find your face in the crowd to pick me up, too. I wish you would be there to tell me you’re glad to see me, and you’d thread your fingers against mine and I would just get lost in those eyes and think this is always worth coming home to. 

But we’ve barely started and knowing how you like keeping things private, I’m sure this is still an unfamiliar path for you. 

I hang my head low and fix my satchel before I pull my luggage. I start walking out of the automatic doors of the immigration and look for the signs towards the cab stand when all of a sudden I feel my arm being grabbed and I twist furiously, unsure of what’s happening with the haze lingering in my head.

Soft, warm lips meet mine, and I’m propelled lower by arms that are now hooked on my neck. I close my eyes and savour it, not needing to confirm anything: because those lips, those soft but ardent warm kisses that I’ve played in my mind for so long, can only come from you and you alone. 

And suddenly, all the hesitations, all the negative thoughts, all the worries – flew out of the window with only your kiss.

I rest my free hand on your jaw as my fingers grasp your neck, willing the kiss to deepen. You moan deliciously at how it’s rapidly escalating – perhaps the most impulsive thing you’ve done in years, but you press yourself at me further and melt into my warmth, and if it weren’t for the small collective gasps that I heard, we probably wouldn’t be forced to break the connection.

You don’t care though. You look at me with those cat-eyes like I’m the only one that matters. That I’m your world.

I try so hard but I can’t help but melt into the feeling of being acknowledged, of you claiming me as your own. Of you declaring to everyone the ‘us’ that I felt we’ve kept hidden for so long. You feel so brave in your steadfast gaze and your palms that are distinctly locking my face, you’re your fearlessness feels enough to cover the two of us. Enough to remove me from my qualms.

The air stutters between your teeth, but you playfully grin as you rub your forehead against mine. 

“Welcome home.”

You wrap your arms around me further and I stop myself from crying, stop myself from thinking that I was even foolish to think you wouldn’t want me. That maybe I should go back and live our lives apart. But with your now in my arms refusing to let go of me I burrow myself in your nape, eyes closed and taking in as much smell as I could possible. I cannot believe I’ve lived years without this scent. Years without you.

I sob a little in your shoulders. 

“I’m glad I’m home.”

_Home_. It’s such an abstract concept earlier, with my fears plaguing my mind, but now that I have you in my arms it suddenly feels more real. Home really is wherever you are.

I open my eyes a little after what feels like a few minutes and I see some shocked faces among the crowd and I chuckle.

“I think there are a few people who are scandalised with your warm welcome.”

You respond by hugging me closer and kissing me multiple times on my neck. “I don’t care, I missed you.”

I look again at the crowd and I think, well, as Singapore is still a country that’s a bit devoid of and slightly frowns upon gay rights, your welcome definitely bravely announces us to the world, does it not?

My eyebrows twist at the thought. 

_I’m not really your best-kept secret anymore, am I, Ruby Jane?_

I feel my throat dry up, a heavy feeling pounding on my chest. I am overwhelmed by the truth of it all.

_You’re proud to declare me to the world._

I think I moan as you let go of me, but you grab my free arm and a gummy smile spreads on your face as you pull me away. I grab my luggage that I have unwittingly dropped earlier and let you pull me away. You slink your arms around mine and I feel your body press against my arm, and I can’t help myself but feel the skin on my face almost tear for having a smile so wide. I can’t believe I have you back.

“How did you know my flight’s today?”

You roll your eyes. “You really think your mum and I are not talking? You can always try to surprise me, Lisa, but you can’t ever succeed if I have your mum on my speed dial.”

I groan. And here’s me thinking I could try to even catch you off guard.

“Also, fair warning that Jisoo and Chae’s waiting at home. They told me to no longer surprise you so that you can prepare yourself for a whole night with them.”

We reach the taxi line with a few other waiting passengers. I try not to groan at the idea that I won’t be able to have you alone.

“They just saw me last month while I was here fixing my papers, do they miss me that much?”

“Baby, you know we always do.”

I revel a little at your pet name. _Baby_. We haven’t assigned each other official pet names but I love the roll of it from your tongue.

“Should we get some wines? I also need to get out of this shirt, I feel sticky.”

You wave your hand nonchalantly as you eye the taxis. “They brought a lot to get you drunk for the next two days, don’t worry.”

A staff politely tells you to take the taxi on the 4th bay. We start heading over to the blue cab. The driver helps me with my luggage and I head to your side of the door that you’re keeping open, waiting for me.

My lips tilt upwards, a growing warmth again assaulting my senses. We’ve been friends for so long and I know these are things you usually do, but they’ve started to take a new meaning for me.

“Also your boxes arrived yesterday, so you can change into anything,” You tell me as you slide beside me inside the backseat. “I’ve sorted your stuff out for you inside the closet if that’s okay? I can’t wait for you to see your space.”

My head is buzzing with the casualness of it all: me coming home to your apartment, with my stuff beside yours, in a space that we can call ours.

Home.

You tell the driver the address and the cab starts to move. Your hands find mine and they intertwine lovingly, mirrored by your eyes that are boring into me heavily.

“Are you ready?” 

The car leaves the darkness of the arrival area and the view now opens up to the old areas interspersed by the new; Jewel mall visible on the other side of the exit; clean and efficient highways; even the same welcoming flowers parading the middle part of an expressway; the heat that’s starting to graze my skin even inside of the cab.

All of the memories, combined with you. 

All of it only made sense with you.

I look back at you to find that your gaze never left me. I smile at you while I nod, squeezing your hand knowingly. 

“I’m home.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: To be honest I didn’t want to add a new chapter, but I wrote this because a friend was telling me tonight that she read this piece again and felt sad because the story felt too close to home. I won’t be able to change much of it and to be honest I was struggling with the ending, so for the past months I’ve thought about leaving the ending alone. But now that I have some time and a better way to close it, I thought about giving Jennie and Lisa the justice that they both deserve.
> 
> This is for all those who found their homes anywhere in the world as long as the arms of the love of your lives are wrapped around you.
> 
> Back to writing angst again for me and publishing under a new name. See you guys around and hope you’re always keeping safe!
> 
> Love, pinkbyproxy


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